Something, Anything


Get Rich, Get Famous...or Die Trying!!

With no increase in salary for two years and a big increase in inflation and prices, it’s time to think out of the box to make ends meet. Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, V brings you:

The Get Rich Quick Scheme #101
V (& co.) will, with your cooperation and understanding, kidnap you for the purpose of extortion and ransom. After the ransom is paid in full, you will be released unharmed, and with a share of the booty. While in custody, you will be treated with the respect and warmth to which cooperation entitles you.

V (& co.) – The Unmatched Experts!
We are the only ones in the country with in-depth, end-to-end expertise in planning, executing and completing such operations. To ensure quality and no loose ends, the entire operation is performed in-house, with zero outsourcing.
Don’t be fooled into going with our competitors! Only V (& co.) offers:
  • Unmatched convenience - Choose your own time and place to get kidnapped!
  • Unmatched flexibility - Choose your own tools to assist the kidnapping—Rope, Knife, Sack, Chloroform*, anything!
  • Unmatched customization - Include your own demands in the ransom note—Tell daddy to buy you that stuffed teddy you always wanted!
*With chloroform, we throw in a free handkerchief!

Steals & Deals!
V (& co.) has taken the pioneering lead in launching innovative new plans that make everybody a winner! The more V earns, the more you earn! We provide various plans to suit your convenience and your family’s paying capacity. Don’t let these once in a lifetime deals get away!




Plan Name
Ransom Amount
% Share of Ransom
Amenities in Custody
Crème de la Crème
(Sabse bada Khiladi)
(Best deal !)
Above 1 Cr.
20%
Jacuzzi & Sauna, Gym membership, Tennis court, La-Z-Boy recliners, Free massages, food from 5-star hotels, pick-up and drop from/to kidnap point in Mercedes S-class car
Fatcats ho!
(Paisa hi Paisa)
50 Lac – 1 Cr.
10%
Tennis courts, table tennis and pool facilities, Gym membership, food from 4-star hotels, passes to 1 Jagjit Singh ghazal concert
Aam Junta
(Sasta, Sundar, Tikao)
10 Lac – 50 Lac
5%
Bed & blanket, Free Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner, FORGET-MI-NOT coffee mug, 1 pair of clean white shorts
Complimentary welcome drink is standard on all plans. Minimum ransom amount is Rs. 10 Lac.


Fine print:
  • Hospitality extends only as long as cooperation lasts. If you become cranky, you will be poisoned.
  • If only part of the ransom is paid, you will be released in parts. You can chose the parts that you want released (such as limbs, stomach, toes) and the order in which they should be released. This is an ideal opportunity for removing redundant organs, such as that extra kidney which we will sell to recover the remainder of the ransom.
  • Ransom amount must be paid in cash. EMI facility is not available.
  • You agree not to file police compliant, and agree to sign an agreement to that effect on stamp paper. You agree to take complete responsibility for any legal and criminal issues that may arise.
  • Scheme valid only in Bombay. For people outside Bombay, we provide special consultancy and support services on the art of self-kidnapping. Contact now for details and special offers.
  • The above plans are subject to change without prior notification.
Special Bonus
As an added special bonus, our mass media publicity blitz (sample image below) ensures that your photos appear prominently in major newspapers and TV, making you an instant celebrity. This gives you a great chance to participate in TV shows like Bigg Boss, Iss Jungle Se Mujhe Bachao, and Swayamvar and make even more money!!!


Look mommy, I'm famous!!

To set up an appointment, call our toll-free helpline on 1800-KIDNAP NOW!!


Image source: http://www.caracaschronicles.com

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1 Responses to “Get Rich, Get Famous...or Die Trying!!”

  1. # Blogger phoenix_nf

    This scheme is bogus. I went through everything and did all. Got ripped off. Literally, of my valuables and cash. They let me keep my undies tho...thanks for small mercies. And the Fine print, damn, says "Scheme valid only in Bombay"(Yes, read again)The place is now Mumbai not Bombay :(  

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